Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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