I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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