Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
