What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
