People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize