i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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