Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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