I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
this hospital has no fireball
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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