WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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