Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
