im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
