What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
