Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
