i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
