just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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