she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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