hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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