ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
