mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
