my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
