now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
