I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize