gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
