Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
