Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
