Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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