im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
