I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
this hospital has no fireball
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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