just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
