I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
