Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
