Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
