My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
