I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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