very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
