Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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