The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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