I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
