remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
