I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
