I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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