I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
