So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
