Your dad touched me again.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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