At least make sure they are 18
Why
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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