When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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