I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
