a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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