im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
