Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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