Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
