i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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