I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
