Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
