Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
