I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
