My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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