I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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